weary.

I am tired today. My feet have been dragging and my apartment is a disaster zone. I have no motivation to give away the piles of goodwill stuff that have been sitting here forever. No motivation to do anything else other than exist today. I was on a go-go-go kick before Montana, wanting to get things done and keep in contact with people. But since the trip, I have slowly deteriorated and I feel like I am treading water, not going anywhere, not doing anything, just treading away. I am hungry for fellowship, for a connection with a church and a congregation but I watch each Sunday pass me by. I desire to feel revived and renewed. To be healthy and energetic. I want to fall asleep next to Nick every night and to be able to see each other as husband and wife. Not just, I have time to come into town for two days and then it's back to separation. I know I shouldn't complain, there are husbands and wives who go days, weeks, months apart from one another. Military men and women leave there spouses and families behind every day. But I desire to be married and live a life as husband and wife. So many things that I want but am I thankful for what I have? For the fellowship of friends and family I already have? For a God that exists in my heart, who knocks at my door until I am ready for him to come in. To live in a place where I can feel safe talking about God or blogging about God for that matter. To be at a point in my life where I am marrying my best friend and lover. To have a job that pays the bills and puts a roof over my head. Not enough do I thank God for doing what he is doing in my life. Not enough do I allow myself to hear him nor do I open up my heart in prayer to him. He's waiting for me to be vulnerable to him. Waiting so that he can speak into my life and give me breath. Waiting to show me endless love. To give me the gifts of strength and peace on days like today. I pray that I can open up my heart to Him once again as His child. I pray that I remember to be thankful and to be confident in the things He has provided me.